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(DISCLAIMER: If you desire further information, you can click on the resources page for further study. You can also contact the CLC Marriage Mentoring Ministry at 937.898.8811.)

Q: What defines being "married" to a person in GOD’s eyes? Is it the ceremony or the saying of vows or the signing of a contract, or is it the becoming one by sex? Do we as a culture define what being married is and God goes with it?

The reason I ask is because many of my friends asked the question "is premarital sex wrong if you eventually marry the person and have only one sexual partner in your life?"

Good question! First, let’s understand who first instituted marriage, and then go from there.

Jesus speaks about marriage in Matthew 19:4-6 and references back to Genesis: 4″Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

It is that last verse that we can focus on. Who joined man and wife together? God. Who created the institution of marriage? God. Therefore, if a sexual act was all that was needed to create a marriage, God is no longer involved because He does not bless that type of union—no matter how sincere or ‘in love’ the couple is.

So, to answer your question, marriage in "God’s eyes" is when a man and woman make a commitment before God, family, and friends in a ceremony that is performed by those established to lead God’s people (ministers). We also cannot forget that marriage is also sanctioned by the laws of the land. (In the form of a marriage license…and see Romans 13 with regards to why Christians are also instructed to be in submission to earthly authorities…with exceptions being when laws go against God’s Word.)

Also consider:

Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

1st Cor. 6:18-20: 18  Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

A sexual encounter does not create a marriage—sexual intimacy is meant for marriage. Sex before marriage is defined as sexual immorality and is wrong. It not only dishonors God, but it defiles both the man and the woman who were purchased at a price by the blood of Christ.

Q: I was married in 1974. I knew of God but did not have a relationship with God until 15-20 years later. So basically, I was unsaved. I am born again since 1994. My husband was also unsaved as well, even though he had attended a Baptist church in the past. We are now separated but still married, even though he wanted a divorce after six months. My question is, will God forgive me for all the years of dishonoring God in our marriage? We lived horribly.

The short answer is YES, God forgives. But the more difficult answer is God’s desire is for you and your husband to be reconciled in your marriage and not for it to end! Not only does God desire to bless and honor the commitment you made to each other and to Him, but He gives clear instructions on what happens in the event of divorce.

Consider the words of Jesus:

Matthew 5:32: "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

Matthew 19:9: "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

When speaking to couples considering divorce, sometimes I ask the obvious question that comes from God’s Word…(with the qualification of marital unfaithfulness Jesus gave) "Are you ok with never marrying again? Is that the life you believe God is leading you to live?"

Seek reconciliation between God and each other. God can and will bless your marriage—no matter how fractured it may seem.

Q: "Principle: Women are allowed to be aggressive and passionate too." At what point? I want my future husband to be the initiator initially, so that I can be confident he’ll lead and not fall over when I push. I grew up with the Elizabeth Elliot view of the woman being COMPLETELY passive at every point and allowing the man to lead a developing relationship. That seems like a dream for me (something I really which could happen) but can I be too passive?

The principle I mentioned in my message was "Women are allowed to be expressive and aggressive too." We see a clear picture of this in the book of Song of Songs where the woman is aggressive and expressive towards her future husband.

What you are describing is a preference of your own—and there is nothing wrong with that—given your future husband fits your preference. God’s instructions on marriage found in Eph. 5 give clarity to how a healthy marriage works—but like I mentioned in my message—submission to your spouse is not the same thing as passivity towards your spouse. Certainly true intimate love should instigate some form of desire towards your husband.

Q: Kissing before marriage?

This is a wonderful question that people hold many views to. But I will do my best to answer from my perspective.

Looking simply at the book I spoke from, the Song of Songs, it seems to indicate kissing prior to marriage was completely acceptable. But remember the woman’s charge to the daughters of Jerusalem! "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." In other words…you have to know your limits before it becomes too difficult to stop.

If you recall, I mentioned that kissing is a prelude to something more. It carries a ‘sensual anticipation’. Given this reality, many couples have chosen to not arouse that type of passion at all prior to marriage. Others seem to know their limits and stop when appropriate.

In my estimation, there is a very fine line that can be crossed very quickly. Christ talks about adultery as simply looking lustfully on another.

I will add however: If you are kissing someone…I can’t imagine any reason where it is appropriate unless you have a great deal of assurance the person you are kissing is your future spouse.

Q: As a married woman, how do you compete with the wide range of temptation in our culture: strip clubs, "perfect" magazine models, pornography, etc.?

Very good question! My first concern, however, is for some reason you believe you ‘have to compete’ with those things. I would suggest those things have nothing to do with true intimacy with your spouse—in fact—they have an enormous impact on distorting it.

If you are sensing those things are having an impact on your spouse’s perception of you, then I would sit down and gently speak to him about how you are feeling. If you have clear evidence that pornography or strip clubs are part of his life, then I would seek further counsel from our wonderful marriage mentoring ministry leaders.

On the flipside of this conversation, I would like to mention that we all get older, grayer, gain more wrinkles, etc. That’s part of life. If your intimacy is based simply upon physical attraction, you are destined to be disappointed and lonely. (I would contend that is not intimacy anyway…only attraction.)

On a personal note: My wife and I both make efforts to stay in shape and look attractive for each other. Simply because we are married does not mean we should allow ourselves to be undisciplined or uncaring about our appearance. God created this ‘physical attraction’ within us, and I say we should always seek to maintain that ‘spark’ in our marriage…for as long as we can. (Thankfully true intimacy is much more than physical attraction, otherwise we are all in trouble in the years ahead!)

Now, if you are asking how we (as God’s children) can best filter these types of influences in our lives, then I would suggest that is a very common struggle we all deal with. The old adage "we are IN the world but not OF the world" can be a very confusing and a difficult thing to discern. I see little benefit to viewing magazines/movies/TV shows where men/women are simply flaunted for their body or physical attractiveness. (It goes without saying but certainly strip clubs, porn, and the like are of no benefit to anyone!)

Not only do they affect our perceptions and self-image, but they distort our values. Without realizing it, we soon begin to idolize and value the same exact things the world does. Unfortunately, this is not God’s value system.

Q: My wife seems to love our son more than she does me. Her reasoning is that he is of her blood, while I am not. I’ve had to take up hobbies to feel some sense of myself in the wake of this. Any advice on how to proceed?

I briefly mentioned this issue in my message. Family is predicated on marriage, and marriage is predicated on God. If those priorities are flipped or out of order, then disaster can and will ensue. The evidence is in what you described…you feel abandoned within your own marriage.

Jesus clearly tells us that husband and wife become ‘one flesh’ within marriage. (Matt 19:5-6) So, if I may be direct: according to scripture, you and your wife are much more than just ‘blood’…you are the same flesh!

Look at 1 Corinthians 7:4: "The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."

How can true companionship, intimacy, and fulfillment in your marriage occur when someone other than you carries a higher priority in her life?

Not knowing any further information than you provided, I would suspect there is a bigger issue that needs to be dealt with. According to your question, this is not God’s definition of marriage or how it should work. When your children are grown and gone someday, what will the marriage look like by then?

I would also be concerned for your children’s perception of how marriage works. This behavior could end up being repeated in their marriages someday. This issue needs to be resolved for the sake of your marriage and the future of your children’s marriages as well.

Q: Do you think this book has some relationship of how our relationship with Jesus should be?

Great question! I briefly mentioned that this book gives plenty of opportunities to draw parallels in relation to the intimate relationship Christ has with His church, and even our individual relationship to Christ. However, the book’s focus is specific and intentional. To simply look for the parallels that can be drawn and miss the main focus or original intent would be to overlook the true context of why it was written.

Q: I’m engaged to a soldier that is deployed. We love each other, but have already had sex. He’ll be home soon. How do I stand firm and don’t have sex until we’re married? His tour is over next year and it’s just more difficult than I ever anticipated. Since he never or rarely sees females, that seems to always be on his mind. Thank you.

Thank you for your honesty in asking your question. The worst thing you could do is not seek wise Godly counsel.

Congrats on your engagement, and our prayers are with our troops who are deployed. It is certainly a difficult situation to have him be gone for such a long time.

It is very difficult to ‘stop’ having sex when you have already crossed that line. But I do believe with God’s forgiveness and leading, you can set this ‘train back on the tracks’ and accomplish God’s Will for your pending marriage.

I would like to suggest two things: assuming you and your fiancé are both believers (if you are not, that is a whole other conversation), a very serious conversation needs to occur prior to his return. If you know both of you could end up in a situation where this can happen again, you first need 1. Godly accountability with another strong Christian woman you can be honest with and who can keep you accountable is a MUST. 2. You need to use wisdom to guard yourself from those situations where you stumble by avoiding them all together. (Only allow yourselves to be together in public visible places, or with groups of people, etc.)

Secondly, if he cannot honor your request to abstain from this point forward, then quite simply, he is not the right guy for you to marry. Keep in mind your actions have already dishonored each other and God. If you are serious about doing this according to God’s plan, then ask each other’s forgiveness, and ask God’s forgiveness too.

Seek forgiveness, find your accountability partners, avoid any circumstance where you might be tempted to fall into old behaviors, and then abstain!

Of course, this is a good reason why I’m a strong proponent of short engagements.

Another potential option: If you are convinced he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (be careful here though…don’t just assume since you have been sexually active)…then you might consider getting married upon his return. A marriage isn’t about the wedding, it is about the lifetime commitment.

Q: How long should you date an individual? Then, how long should you be engaged for?

Both great questions, but neither have an absolute ‘correct’ answer. Here’s my perspective:

I’m assuming that the dating relationship you are referring to has the intention of ‘date to mate’ (as the saying goes) since dating without that intention is destined to pain and heartache. I’m also assuming both people involved are at an age where they are ready for a long term commitment (like a pending marriage) since most people change and mature enormously in the window from HS graduation (17-18 years old) to college graduation (21-22 years old).

I must also add that ‘dating’ is more difficult to define than most people realize. Think about it—we all bring our own different views into what ‘dating’ encompasses. We all know people (or it has happened to us personally) where one person was assuming an exclusive ‘dating’ relationship, whereas the other person involved didn’t assume the same thing. The outcome: Pain and heartache.

Dating is a funny thing. We meet someone, realize we are attracted to them, and then we decide to ask them out. We put our best foot forward—opening doors for the lady, acting charming and flirtatious, and spending plenty of money to impress. Sooner or later, the ‘reality’ has to present itself—we don’t live in ‘first date’ world!

So, to answer your first question…I have found the best stories of couples who dated only a few months prior to engagement had relationships that started with friendship first. My wife and I started like this. We had the same circle of friends in college, and we got to know each other without any romantic pretenses. So, when we started dating, there were no surprises! We didn’t need to date for years while we got to know each other. But if you just met your boyfriend/girlfriend when you started dating…it will take some TIME before the reality sets in. My suggestion is usually wait 6 months before this happens. If you are still sure of the relationship after that, there is a good chance the relationship is destined for marriage!

With regards to engagement: There are always plenty of factors to consider. Sometimes college students want to wait until they graduate and secure jobs for instance. Or maybe there is a desire to pay off a debt and have enough money for the ceremony and honeymoon. Either way, my recommendation is a short engagement. Let’s face it: You wouldn’t be engaged if you weren’t sure. (And if you aren’t sure, you shouldn’t be engaged!)

Remember, we prepare for a wedding ceremony, but we plan for a marriage. Put as much thought and energy into a successful marriage, not just the wedding day!

Q: I am a 30 year old single female. No Children and Never Been Married. I am currently not dating anyone. Majority of my friends/co-workers that are around my age have children or are married. What advice would you give me regarding staying committed/obeying God’s Word and not being led down a destructive path?

This is a great question that perfectly illustrates how difficult it is to live a life of purity in a world that isn’t concerned about God’s standards.

You mentioned that a majority of your friends and co-workers are married and have children, whereas you are not at the same place in life. Your question then goes directly to asking for advice on how to stay committed to God and His plan for your life. I’m therefore assuming you are probably lacking a strong supporting network of Christian friends you are close to.

My best word of encouragement is for you to remember that we are all heavily influenced by those we choose to surround ourselves with. (We are also identified with them by others too!) If the majority of your time is spent with a ‘community’ that is in a different place in life, and also living contrary to God’s Word, then your chances of success in living for God diminish quickly. This is why a community of believers is so important to our spiritual formation.

Your best chance of success will be to first KNOW and LIVE God’s Word. Secondly, seek out other friends that can encourage you and sharpen you during this key time in your life. Not just casual acquaintances, but true friends.

I was 29 when I married Hollie…and I remember how many of my friends were already married with kids too. But I also remember being very intentional with who I surrounded myself with. Don’t forget that every stage in life—being single, being married, being a parent, or even grandparents—comes with perceived pros and cons and plenty of adjustments.

Being married and having kids doesn’t come with any greater guarantee of living for God. Our intentional and healthy choices are what matter the most.

Q: Is masturbation a sin?

Through the years, I have heard many answers regarding this topic, and they haven’t always been consistent. I will offer some principles to assist you in making a Godly decision.

There is a passage found in Lev. 15:16-18 that deals with ‘emission of semen’ that does not seem to be connected with actual sexual intercourse. I have heard this passage used as a defense on why masturbation is not a sin because the law simply instructed to essentially take a bath and clean your clothes when it happened. But to use that passage as a defense simply by the silence of any further information addressing it as sin is too simplistic. A defense by silence is never a solid defense. (That kind of reminds me when our kids say, "But you didn’t tell me I shouldn’t jump off the roof!") Omission of a directive does not imply permission!!!

That also goes for the other defense I have frequently heard: Masturbation is a far better alternative than having sex (if you are not married) or an affair (if you are married). When Christ tells us in Matt 5:48 to be "perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect," Jesus is telling us that holiness isn’t something that involves compromise but instead a passion for righteousness. That argument falls apart quickly according to God’s standards. (But not man’s standards apparently.)

If I may, I’d like to call attention to how Jesus defined adultery in Matthew 5:28. Jesus said "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery…"

Putting aside the physiological difference of women and men, given the nature of masturbation, it seems extremely unlikely (if not impossible) for a person to do this without having inappropriate lustful thoughts.

The case is then made by those who are married who say "What if I am thinking about my wife/husband when I do that?" To answer that question directly, it would seem that does not appear to be adulterous or lustful thinking. So, does that mean it is ok then? My next question is this: "Can you really tell me that given the fallen nature of our sinful human minds, you can discipline your thought life to only think about your spouse?"

It is very clear from scripture that God created sexual pleasure to be created between husband and wife. To remove one of those parties is to deviate from God’s intention for sex. God didn’t create sex and pleasure as a selfish act, but as a giving act. Masturbation isn’t about giving, it is about self-gratification.

Going further, masturbation has a high potential to become an addictive behavior. Addictive behaviors become an entirely different issue, but needless to say, they are not healthy nor glorifying to God.

I have also heard the explanation "Masturbation helps us not be tempted by releasing pent-up sexual frustrations." But consider Eph. 5:3: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people." Again, I can’t imagine how one avoids temptation by doing this. If anything, it encourages viewing the opposite sex in a lustful way. Giving into a physical act that requires a form of lustful self-gratification seems counter-intuitive here.

My last thought on this: God made His covenant with Abraham and His people in Genesis 17 in the form of circumcision. Ever wonder why God didn’t simply make the sign of His covenant a tattoo, or a birthmark? To be identified as God’s people by bearing a mark on our sex organ carries significance. How that sex organ is used should always be glorifying to God.

Q: You talked about women being the first to take action and being aggressive and passionate sometimes. As a woman separated from her husband, is it OK to do this, whenever he is around, especially if the husband is kind of distant towards you and says he is around just to visit the children? Or should you just watch and see if he will come to you?

Thank you for your question. I imagine you are living in a very difficult situation being separated from your spouse, and having children as well.

With regards to your question, I fear I don’t have enough information to give you a clear answer. To give the best answer, at least knowing why you are separated would be crucial.

Taking initiative and being aggressive towards your husband is never a bad thing, but given the circumstances, there is likely baggage that needs to be worked through first. (Unless of course your husband is separated from you primarily due to a lack of physical intimacy…in which case…making the first move wouldn’t be a bad idea…but one that should be tempered with a desire to recommit to a long term solution…not just a temporary one.)

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